x_mypinksocks_x

So I went out last night without eating an ounce of food all day. I have barely let myself keep anything down this past week so when I began drinking last night it went through me. We were at this big bar with a dance floor and stuff and it hit me and I had to pee/go number two. Prepare for grossness! I actually went number two at the bar. It was just pure water/bile and such. It didn't even smell cause there wasn't any food in it lol. Thats the only reason I pooped cause I knew it was just gonna be pure liquid and when its just pure liquid it almost never smells. Anyway, I came home and ate a sandwhich and some chips and some coke. I had to FORCE myself not to walk into the bathroom and puke it up. I knew it would make me feel awful. So I fell asleep. I am trying to calculate how many calories i probably ate. Probably 150 cals chips wise. I ate half a small bag. About 10 ounces coke so we will say 100 to be safe. thats 250. Bread would be about 300 probably. 550. cheese and turkey and mayo another 250? so about 800 or 900 cals. On top of the alcohol I had. Ugh.

No wonder I look so fat today :( I woke up this morning and have been shitting all morning. My digestive system is like WTF...whats this? food? To digest? Well this hasn't happened in awhile. haha.

I want to buy a scale but I am a little scared. I am already a little obsessive over this....a scale will tip me over the edge. I know the power that the scale has over me. I will go get one today anyway. Hm.

Time to get ready and go to class. I am doing fairly well in all my classes but Stat. I really don't like that class....ehhh.....Anyway....later!

So, boy came over yesterday and we we messing around and he asked me if I had lost weight and I said yes and I was so excited that he noticed. He said my face and legs were especially noticeable. Too bad my tum is the part I want to lose the most. UGH. So I didn't eat yesterday and went and got pizza and breadsticks and stuffed it down with tons of pepsi and then came back and puked it back up. And then sipped on diet coke for the rest of the evening. I really am wondering how much I weigh. 165 maybe? Maybe. Probably more like 170. I suck. Ugh.

Ok..I am off. Will have an update later on :)

I think I will go buy a scale today maybe. I don't know. I was so hungry yesterday ahhh. Well...not most of the day. Not until around 6 so i ate at McAlisters with my family. A big old potato with cheese and butter and bacon and i ate most of my mac and cheese and most of my turkey melt and all my sweet tea and left to go back to school and stopped at a mcdonalds to throw up but some girl was in the bathroom putting on makeup and changing. WTF. I hate people who do that. WTF. Get the fuck out of the bathroom. So I drove to a gas station and got about half out of it out and some girls knocked on the door and my damn puke wouldnt all flush so they got a pretty cute surprised when they went in there. Yeah. Anyway I was having a spaz attack so I stopped and vomitted a little bit into a ziploc bag that i happen to have in my car. UGH. I don't know how much I weigh. A part of me is scared to weigh myself. What if I am huge? I will weigh myself in a week. Maybe. Yeah.

I dunno.

It's 1PM and I haven't eaten or been hungry to eat even. I need a giant diet coke. I think I just might get one later today. Yum.

i wish i knew how much I weigh. I didn't eat yesterday and then went out and drank like a lush. I wonder how many cals I had.....I am thinking probably around 1500. I guess thats not that bad....good thing I didn't eat at all yesterday. It's 1:30 and I am not anywhere close to hungry. Not that I am complaining but where did my appetite go? lol. I think I am just tired of throwing up so not eating is easier...hm

I cannot sleep. I can't. It's a little past 2:15 in the morning and my mind is racing with thoughts and my BODY...MY BODY is FULL of anxiety. I can't keep my mind and my body still. They want to move. Think keep thinking and I can't let my mind set still as if I am going to explode if for one second it is quiet. And I didn't know where to go or who to talk to so I came here to write...write write..I just need to keep busy. Keep my fingers busy. I am needing to lose weight. I have been throwing up almost every day. I just didn't eat one day. I get diet coke and the world is mine. I can't explain the feeling I get when I have a big styrofoam cup in my hand full of diet coke. I feel like for the next two hours I don't have to worry about eating or being hungry. Like I am eating. Like drinking diet coke is eating. And I want to drink it all the time. And it's my weapon. My defense against hunger. And I am so scared when I drink the last drop of my diet coke because what then? What if hunger strikes and I am not anywhere close to a FOUNTAIN drink machine? I don't really like diet coke out of cans or bottles. For some reason it needs to be in a styrofoam cup. Like...it's a secret. You don't know what I have, but I do. And it's MY SECRET to losing weight. My secret thats going to help me get small...smaller than you. No one can judge me because I am drinking diet coke.

My mind refuses to stop. I need sleep. Sleep. I am drinking tomorrow but I don't want to. I am going to get so FAT. ahhhh. I don't want to get fat. I don't know what to do about my life. Thank God I can type fast otherwise i don't think that my hands could keep up with the crazy things running through my mind. I need to go for a walk. Get this weight offf now. Now. Now. Now. I want it gone. I need to walk. I need to be small. I want to be a small sliver of nothing. I will get this. Nothing else matters. Well, except for school. My weight and school. Boys don't matter anymore. Friends don't matter anymore. I will do what I need to to reach my goal. I need to.

Ugh.

I am alive. Just trying to be healthy and it's been working out for the most part. My purging has been to a minimum. Probably the best its been since before november of '08. School begins in two weeks exactly. I will head back next friday. I hope the stress of school doesn't ruin my progress.......

Okay I am 163 so it looks like i will probably end up at 162 for Monday which is just fine. Like I said...I was asking for a lot and I was a naughty girl in the middle of the week having an entire day where I ate pizza and didn't purge. 10 pounds in a week is a lot so I will be happy with 8 pounds :) I made my youtube channel and video like I said I was going to. I look soo gross so maybe I will wait a couple weeks before posting but I promise I will post it. I just want to let myself get a little smaller.

It took me foreverrrrr to get the damn video together and figure out my bro's video camera and how to hook it up and stuff. I used to be sooo good at this type of stuff and now I just stink :P

I did some lunges and squats last night and now my butt muscles are sore! LOL! Whenever I walk I can feel how sore my bum muscles are..its so funny. I just ate two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bottle of gatorade. It's really all about timing. I have to wait long enough for something in my body to trigger my bowels to move (gross i know) but I don't want to wait too long so it absorbs a bunch. I dunno, its weird but yeah I am waiting another 5 mins so I thought I'd write :) lalala...I don't think I will eat anything after I purge. just tons of water which is what I need right now. Maybe I can even hit the 161 mark tomorrow :P Wishful thinking, I know. Oh well.

First day of summer class tomorrow. SHOOT ME. UGH! :(

Went on a 3 mile walk. Felt good. Ate two grilled cheese sandwiches and an english muffin. Purged most of it. Ate 80 calories worth of raspberries, didn't purge. Hopefully I weigh less tomorrow. Being 165 is not a good thing and it makes me depressed.

There are these video on youtube and people title them watch me shrink and some of them are SO triggering. I am thinking of beginning one if I can find my dang camera. Even if I can't I think my little brother has a videocamera we bought together two years ago so maybe I can use that. I would love to have a weekly weigh in along with a video showing my progress. Awesome. I will post the link if I end up doing it. Interesting.

Later

UGHHH someone rip my uterus out please. PLEASE. I am fat and bloated and in pain all cause of my damn uterus..lol...i am about to start my period :( and i weigh 165 cause i ate last night :( I had a beer and a half and a hot dog...some raspberries, some cantelope, and some tortilla chips. But I feel smaller. Weird. Anyway. Guess I might not make 160 on Monday :( No cute shoes for me. But honestly, 10 pounds in one week was a hefty number to be asking for so I promise not to be upset with myself.

Whats this? Am I actually being rational? lol

The cookout was good, the rest of my night? not.

Oh well :(
 

Yes yes so I officially suck at not purging. lol. I woke up this morning feeling bloated. Like, I dunno..I just felt puffy and I wasn't that hungry but i was feeling anxious for some reason so I ate some. I was going to eat a chicken biscuit thing from wendys but hated the chicken and just ate the biscuit. I also ate oreo cakesters and two nesquiq push pop ice cream things and 2 cans of coke. YUM. So it wasn't a huge binge, but still was food and i purged in the shower. ehhhhh, i can't help myself. I just need to purge when i feel anxious.

I feel so anxious about so much in my life right now. So many unknowns about the direction my life may take. I am going over to my friends tonight for a cookout. She told me to bring the tortlla chips :D I always like being able to help pitch in....lol

That's all for now. Time to go do online course work and then relax. Bye :)

Doing good today. I am really proud of myself. I am trying to give up purging because, well, I suck at it these days and to be real honest I am sick of my heart flippin a shit at me every time I do it. Seriously that poor thing feels like it's about to bust out of my chest and run away every time I purge. So I woke up and went to my Zumba class with my mommy. SO AWESOME. 50 minutes of pure movement and fun. My mom was sweating. Of course I was up there towards the front dancing away like it was my job! It made me miss my dance team from high school. So That was about 400 calories burned there. I have been trying to keep busy all day but I think a walk might be in order later. My mom is making dinner right now. AHH. I already ate enough today. I was doing really well and then saw those oreo cakesters...mmm..and i am so hungry so i ate a pack which was 210 cals :( Anyway here is what I have eaten today

Oreo Cakester: 210 cals
4 tortilla chips: 48 cals
4 oz. grilled chicken: 200 cals
Strawberry Lemonade: 75 cals
Total: 533

GRRR. I got the guiltless chicken platter at Chili's and ate about half the chicken and that was it. I nibbled on the veggies but wasn't feelin' them and I didn't wanna eat my rice. The chicken was SO GOOD. Oh my gosh. I was in love and had a hard time giving most of it away to my little brother...haha. Only drank about half of my strawberry lemonade and, only had 4 tortilla chips and did well at lunch. :) I just wish I hadn't eaten that dang cakester.

It's dinner time. I think I might go to the gym tonight....I wanna eat dinner but I don't want to wake up weighing a zillion pounds tomorrow.

We will see....ugh food is so shitty. I hate it >:(

Didn't eat tonight. Drank some lemonade stuff from starbucks but only like half of a tall so hopefully not too many calories in that. I am cutting my ex out of my life tonight. He just keeps proving to me that he isn't trustworthy and isn't willing to do what it takes to make us work.

Its sad cause I love to sit around and think about how he might be the one, but if i am honest with myself i know he's not. Sad :(

Somehow I weigh 166 right now. Interesting. I don't know how I pulled that off eating all that bacon and mayo and biscuits. Ew. But ya..so I should be 165 tomorrow. Hopefully. I just *really* wanna make my goal of 160 by Monday. I will buy myself a cute pair of shoes if I do :D Do it for the shooooeeesss! haha

Okay, say I wake up tomorrow weighing 165...I need to lose 5 pounds in like...4 days. Totally do-able :) Just have to keep strong. I am tired. My friend wants to go out for rootbeer floats. wtheck. Do I look like I wanna gain five thousand pounds? Woof. But I need to get out of the house so I am going to go.

Later ater aterrrr :)

ugh, i seriously just ate the biggest binge ever...my mom made bacon and i had like 4 biscuits, 3 pieces of toast, 14 pieces of bacon, and like 3 cans of diet cherry 7up....oh yeah..and mayonnaise on like 3 of the biscuits. sooo much food. I was dying. And it was a bitch..an absolute bitch to get up and I KNOW i didn't get it all up and it pisses me off. FUCK. I am gonna weigh 200 pounds tomorrow. Stupid fat fuck. My mom and I have our aerobics class tomorrow so I am excited for that :)

I am hoping that the first part of the meal tonight just passed through my system and i shit it out...in fact..i feel a storm brewing so maybe thats what will happen. I am so gross sometimes. I feel sorry for anyone that reads my journal..lol. heyyyy eating disorders are not fun or glamorous. You'll shit one time every two weeks and then turn around and shit a waterfall every 5 minutes all night long. Doesn't make much sense.

I wanna add up the calories...I think I will try...
it's almost 1500 cals. Say I got up half...thats still 750 cals left in me.
AHHHH...I wanna scream. UGH.


stupid fat. get off of meeeee. i just shouldnt have eaten. my purging skills have been sub-par lately. I dont know how much i trust my body to get it all up any more. hmmm

Somehow I am still 166. Don't ask how. I ate pizza and ice cream bars and fruit snacks and coke after coke yesterday. Whatever. I haven't eaten yet today. I am so upset. so upset. I keep letting a damn jerk back into my life and he keeps proving that he isn't worthy of being there and he just keeps hurting me and upsetting me, but i let him back in. why the hell am i so damn stupid. i fucking hate myself for being so weak. WHY CANT I JUST BE FUCKING STRONG FOR ONCE IN MY DAMN LIFE? I HATE MYSELF. :'( i cant stop crying. i need a hug

i was a big fat freak that ate and ate and ate. probably ate around 3000 cals yesterday. never....eating....AGAIN. UGH

You know, i could make goal weights at least. Hm. Something to reach for and rewards that come along with each.

June 8th:160: some new cute shoes (cheap though, money is tight...lol)
June 22nd: 150: New summer dress
July 6th: 140: Belly button piercing
July 17th: 130: An entire weekend off from dieting while i visit dallas
July 31st: 125: new clothes for school
August 19th: 120: a professional massage like i have always wanted.


That sounds reasonable, right? I give myself about two weeks to lose ten pounds. I am 166 now and I want to be 120 by the time school starts...hmm...46 pounds in 28, 31, 19...68 days. Yikes, thats gonna be a tight squeeze but we will see. I just need to get down to the 140's and its like my motivation restarts. I hate being 166. I hate it.

Okay I weighed myself today and it's definitely 166. So that's good. After purging my dinner last night I didn't get to work out which I was kind of upset about, but I didn't eat anything either. I wanted to dig into the brownies my mom made me so bad. All I could do was think about them while I was driving home from hanging with friends, but when I got home I just headed upstairs ASAP so I wouldn't get any brownies. I kept telling myself they can be a part of a binge today if I feel up to it. MMMM, warm brownies.

It's 10:15 AM and I haven't eaten anything yet, but then again I just woke up 15 minutes ago =) I am trying to take it day by day instead of saying "i will not eat for the next 5 days" cause each morning I wake up feeling different. Some mornings I wake up feeling strong and like I want to eat some carrots and lettuce (am i a rabbit?) and maybe a bite of chocolate...I just feel like I can be disciplined. Other days I wake up starving so I have to tell myself "wait until tonight, then you can pig out and purge" but if i say "i am not eating for the next 5 days" and i wake up starving and binge and purge, well....i just failed in my own eyes and it depresses me.

Ugh, my tum hurts but I can feel myself getting smaller again. woooohoooo. I wanna be 115. Perfect :)

I am unsure of my weight. The scale said 165 but I know that can't be right. Who knows. I start my period soon so maybe it is right. Maybe I just debloated. I DUNNO. Anyway, today I ate a tortilla chip (12 cals) and some carrots (35 cals) with a tiny bit of ranch dressing (50 cals) and then i ate dinner...broccoli and cheese corkscrew noodles. I purged and managed to get about half of it up. Since my family is all home and around I can't take very long and the noodles were being difficult. Let's pray I don't wake up a huge freak tomorrow.

Therapist went good. She actually suggest I consider IP. is she serious? I am a fat cow...only the sickest go into IP..i am not sick enough. No way. Anyway, I want to go work out but my friend is INSISTANT on me hanging out tonight. wtheck. I wanna go for a nice long walk and hit the gym but I fucking can't...OMG...i am so angry. Maybe I should make something up? OMG...i am so bad, but I need to work out. I feel like the food is sitting in my stomach and its growing by the minute.

By the way, broccoli and carrots look colorful when thrown up together, lol

I dont get what i did to deserve what just happened to me. am i so ugly that the guy who claims to love me dances and grinds with other girls? i am never eating again and i have my FUCKING THERAPIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW. FUCK THAT. I am not going to that fucking therapist any more after tomorrow. fuck what anyone says. I'll fucking waste away until I die. i don't wanna be alive anymore. Nobody fucking cares enough to love me.